claustrophobia
I used to feel it just now and then. And then a little more often. And now pretty much every single day. Is it a feedback loop — my increasing sensitivity is causing me to become ever more sensitive — or is it truly happening every single day? I believe the latter. The world is just different than it used to be.
In the beginning my reactions were sweeping action and large ideas. Later I became more practical. Thinking locally, not globally. And now, the feelings are panic and futility and worry that I won’t be able to escape when it gets to be too much to bear.
I’m not talking about personal you’re-standing-too-close claustrophobia (though please don’t peer over my shoulder while I’m typing). I’m talking about the distinct and real feeling that the world is collapsing bit by bit around me. Every day the people who have always been just getting by are finding it harder to continue just getting by. Every day something appears in my consciousness — in the news, personal experience, or stories from friends — that causes the panic to well up. I don’t have any cold hard facts to regale you with, but I have always been an absorbent sponge for my community’s mood and sensibility, and I am seeing and feeling it all around me. People are hoarding like squirrels in November. People are worried about the future. People are feeling helpless; incredulous at the state of things but too busy getting by or too weary from the mostly-futile effort of attempting change. And so am I.
It’s Average Joe and Typical Mary against the banks, the insurance companies, the healthcare system, big business, and the government. None of these institutions, which were (correct me if I am naively wrong here) originally developed with the idea of helping Joe and Mary live better lives, are actually serving their purposes any longer. They have fused together into this gargantuan sticky web of greed and power. Like Doc Ock but with more and meaner mechanical tentacles. Yes, it feels very mechanical, driven by rules and money, not people. Humans work in these institutions, but must of them are just Joes and Marys too, equally trapped but maybe understanding their trap a little better than the rest of us.
Today’s panic came from a conversation I had with an insurance adjuster about the claim I made for the items that were stolen from my car when my car was taken. The claim had to be filed under my renter’s policy, not my auto policy. Today I learned that with a standard renter’s policy, the insurance company will not cover the loss of CDs, cassettes, or cell phones when they are stolen from cars. Why? The answer is simple, and came straight from the adjuster’s mouth: these are the things that are most often stolen from cars and so they have simply decided not to cover them. This is ludicrous and maddening. But it also elicited in me that too-familiar claustrophobic tightness because it’s a perfect example of how the insurance industry has ceased to exist as a resource for Joe and Mary and now exists for itself alone.
And I wonder: if I just accept that my CDs won’t be reimbursed (just sigh and say “fine” as I did this afternoon on the phone because I was too weary to argue and what good would it have done anyway?), what will they take away next? Will we continue to pay more and more money for less and less service, just because the insurance companies decide to stop covering things that end up costing them money? How will it end? Granted, I could have not had a renter’s policy at all, and just dealt with the theft of my belongings on my own. But I am required to have auto insurance. I’ve paid thousands of dollars over the years for it and if I get in an accident my rates will go up. But they will never go down even if I drive safely. (And now newer cars are made with little black-box devices that will show how fast you were going at the time of an accident, information the insurance companies are guaranteed to use against you whenever possible. Is anyone else thinking of George Orwell besides me?)
And it’s scariest when you are dealing with healthcare. Losing a couple hundred bucks on CDs is easily forgotten when considering what one trip to the ER could cost if you haven’t asked permission from your insurance company first. Plus so many Joes and Marys don’t even have healthcare coverage because it’s just too expensive (mine is minimal and hardly useful but at least it’s something). So Joe and Mary just pray that Billy doesn’t break an arm.
It’s getting harder and harder for Joe and Mary to feed their families healthy food, find good education for their children, have dependable healthcare, be paid a decent wage, save a little money, and feel secure about their old age. They are having to fight and scrimp for these things at every step and every turn, and it gets really hard, really tiresome, and sometimes feels really hopeless. At the same time they’re worried about losing their civil liberties in this age of fear-mongering, fundamentalism, and blatant government propaganda. Will they be putting Prozac in the drinking water next?
I know there are a lot of people out there who have more energy to fight all this than I do, and I hugely appreciate their efforts, but I worry that it isn’t enough. The money and power on the other side (the “other side” which insidiously pretends to be on “our side”, at least until we do something they don’t like) seems way too hard to overcome. Sometimes I wish the economy would just collapse already and that there would be some huge egregious affront to our civil liberties that would make everyone in their right minds feel compelled to fight it. I find myself dreaming of the ultimate lawsuit: The American People vs. GovernBankCorp, tried in The Hague. Or a worldwide effort to invade the US: the rest of the world deciding that this government has become too powerhungry, is not properly representing the people, and is a danger to the rest of the world. (Kinda like what George W. did with Saddam in Iraq, no?)
All I know is my lot is cast with all the other Joes. I’m working hard to get by, trying to live honestly and thoughtfully in a world that just seems to thwart that at every turn. And every day something new happens to give me that feeling of claustrophobic panic.
